Life coaching for women

Mind the gap - we all have freedom of choice

Sometimes, we hear or read things that REALLY make us think. I mean proper, deep, sustained thought. Something that resonates so loudly that it remains in your head for weeks.
And it can be something really simple, too, can't it? Here's an example, a thought planted in my brain within the past month that I have been using as a personal reference point and a resource for clients ever since.

listen up

I was a bit unwell the other day and spent quite a bit of time blobbing on the sofa watching daytime TV.  I caught an extraordinary programme, one where dysfunctional families wash their dirty linen in public, apparently in the hope of DNA tests, which will change their lives, or something like that.
Being an obsessive people-watcher I was fascinated. What struck me, above everything, was the shouting, the talking over each other. Despite the host’s best efforts the 'stars' of the show would not allow each other more than two words before they started to reply to what they thought was being said.

here and now

My previous blog entry was all about the pursuit of happiness. It grew out of a general sense of the need for us, as individuals, to create a context within our lives which allows us to make the best choices as we move forward.

Right here and now we can feel fantastic about ourselves, enjoy life to the full (it sounds so trite, yet it's such an admirable aspiration!), live in a way which gives us a sense of belonging in our own lives (if you don't feel like that, you'll know exactly what I mean).

Many people working at the 'life coaching' end of personal development are fixated on concrete goals. That seems to be the purpose of the coaching - gotta have a goal and then you know where you're going. Everything you do should be a step on the journey. I'm well acquainted with that approach, I've used it as a way of helping people move forward on innumerable occasions.

What I am increasingly realising however is that the most powerful work I do is helping people right here and now change their lives so that they are living in the most authentic way they can - i.e. happy, confident, true to themselves.

A friend and fellow coach said to me just the other day, 'I'd HATE to know what I'm going to be doing in 5 years time; what about all the good things I might miss on the way to the thing I think I want now. I might miss the stuff that's round the corner.'

Think of it this way - your goal is to get to the end of the road - you can do it, you've just got to keep walking. It's a long road so you need to be fit, you need water and some food to sustain you, but essentially you have to simply put one foot in front of the other and in time you'll get there. Easy peasy. And, er, dull! Uninspiring, unadventurous and oh so limiting.

an assertiveness myth

Way back in the late 1980s, I'd left behind a dysfunctional marriage and moved on to a new and nurturing relationship with my life partner. I began to realise I was in danger of sabotaging our blissful state through behaviour such as sulking, blaming and oh yes, hinting, rather than asking, and then throwing strops when the thing I'd hinted at didn't happen. (My man being oblivious to such non-specific advances!)

Then, working as I did in a book shop, one day I picked up Anne Dickson's book, A Woman in Your Own Right (aff) a wonderful self-help resource, still available and still considered one of the best. From this wise little book I learned about assertiveness. Slowly I began to see how my behaviour was undermining my relationships, not just with my partner, but with others in my life.

say 'no' and still be loved

Here's an easy way to start to put your own needs first. 'Hang on a minute', I hear you say, 'that sounds really selfish'. I confess this is how many clients greet my suggestion that their needs might benefit from being placed a little higher up the list, and this is how I respond: when you travel by air the first thing that happens is the safety talk by the cabin crew. They show you where the oxygen mask is housed and how to fit it. Then they always say, 'fit your mask first, before you look after others'.

If you don't look after yourself you'll have no resources left to care for those you love. This technique is one way to make a start at improving the way you and others view and use your kindness and generosity.