Life coaching for women

socks and the city*

When we're in a place which feels just right to us, or in a friendship group we delight in and draw comfort from, or in workplace that sets us alight with motivation and joy, it's because our values are being met. 'Values' is a useful notion that encapsulates for me the ideas and beliefs that really matter to us. Our values are informed by and form part of our personal ethics, politics (small 'p'), moral code, all that kind of deep, 'who we are' stuff.

People use different techniques to judge if their deep-rooted values are being met. For some it's based a gut feeling, for others it's a certain knowledge based on deliberate personal strategising. And some have the delightful gift of being able to encapsulate it in a few words. They can come up with a great rule of thumb, which takes all this serious values stuff and turns it into a memorable and meaningful, even witty, phrase.

I met a very lovely woman at the weekend. She exudes joy, warmth and contentment. Some years ago she and her family decided to move out of London with no idea of where they might end up. She was telling me about all the places she visited which were OK, but didn't feel like home. She told me, 'it had to be somewhere my kids could wear odd socks and no one would mind'. I'm happy to say she ended up in the town which also meets my 'place to live' values. It's a place where you can be who you are. But my new acquaintance put it so better than that, don't you think?

*Hebden Bridge is actually a small town. But I wasn't going to let that stand in the way of a good headline!

writing for its own sake

I’ve written before about the goals/ no goals dichotomy, and I’ve just come across another brilliant illustration of this, from my own personal development work.

I use writing as a means of learning about myself. It is a constant exploration. Some of what I write finds itself on one of my blogs, other stuff stays for evermore in my journal. Some may just be a middle-of-the-night scribble on a post-it note which turns out to be utter nonsense come the morning.

It’s the process of writing that moves me on, and also the ‘my, how you’ve grown’ feeling I get when I reread an old musing.

For many people though, writing has a distinct purpose, a goal. It starts out that way, that’s its intention. Poets, fiction writers, bloggers may all set out with the ‘end in mind’, that mantra of personal development. That’s not how I work though. Or should I say, that’s not ALWAYS how I work. If I’m writing a Christmas round robin then I generally DO have the end in mind. But often I just pick up pen and paper and see what happens.

I’ve been having a lot to do with writers recently. As coaching clients, as web design clients and also through Twitter.* And it’s just plain lovely. It has made me really take notice of the fact that writing is one of the key ingredients of the way I work with clients. Whether or not they come to me with a clear goal, I’ll almost certainly encourage them to write. It may simply be a case of keeping a special notebook for sessions and ‘homework’, but more often it is about incorporating writing, for its own sake, into their daily routine. Time and again it proves to be enormously empowering and enlightening, and it is my intention to explore this further through this blog.

I’m reading Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Writing Down the Bones’ and love this in the preface: ‘Writing is a path to meet ourselves and become intimate.’ Now THERE’S a goal! ;)

*Follow me on Twitter - http://twitter.com/groovy_granny

composing yourself for change

Many years ago, when I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I interviewed two composers about the importance of their work being faithfully reproduced by musicians.

One guy was adamant that this is the way it should be. He had a clear sound vision and wanted that to be replicated, his score to be strictly adhered to.

The other had a more organic approach. He was open to input from he musicians, the end result evolved, the performance may not be the same on consecutive occasions.

All these years later, each is successful in his own field. Still writing music.

As I mentioned in my previous posting, for some coaches, goals are the thing, so if a client hasn’t got one when she starts, the goal becomes, well, setting the goal.

The point is, both approaches work. I get both kinds of client, those with clearly defined goals and those who know things must change but cannot yet envisage what those changes might be, and in fact don’t want to be prescriptive about the outcome.

Both ways are fine. Both can lead to success through the coaching process.

Which sort are you?

it's not just about goals

Pick up any women’s magazine, listen to any programme on the radio or TV about making changes in your life and the word ‘goal’ will feature as an absolute requirement. When I did my coach training, over six years ago, there was a lot of focus on developing clients’ goals. The very first task in any client relationship would be to pin down the precise goals. They have to be SMART of course. That’s  natty little acronym for Specific Measureable Attainable Relevant and Time-limited.

Around 20% of my coaching clients have really clear goals when they call me. One client I’m working with right now has to make a huge change in her life, moving to the other side of the world and setting up home, whilst also developing her existing work and building a new business. When she called she had six or seven months in which to do this, and believe me, she’s bang on target. Which I maintain is down to her being a fabulously motivated woman, for whom goals are there to be achieved.

Most of my clients are less clear when they come to me. They want change, but they’re not sure quite what it is. They want to be happy, I guess that counts as a goal, but quite what that looks like, how that might be achieved, is less tangible. Like their goal-orientated sisters they are up for an adventure, but they’ve bought a ticket for the magical mystery tour. They too will look back in a few months’ time and be stunned by what they’ve achieved.

Which probably links into a discussion about process and product. But I won’t go there today!

a fire in my heart(h)

When my children were small we had proper fires. Our rambling hilltop home was heated by the not-especially-efficient combination of a woodburning stove and a solid fuel back boiler. Each morning, whilst the children slumbered on, I'd go down and coax these two fires into life and then the remainder of the day was spent topping up their life-support system, riddling ashes, carrying in wood from outslde etc. So, when in 1988 we moved into the town, into a house with gas central heating and no open fires, I was cockahoop. Soon, though, I began to miss the glow, and so over the years we've often chosen holiday homes with fires and joined in bonfire building projects with great gusto.

I've lost track of the number of times I've pondered on how we could incorporate a proper fire into our home. I shan't go through all that now, but believe me it can't be done.

Anyway, clearly my daughters have more imagination than me, as whilst they were visiting family last year, they experienced a garden fire pit. A fireplace for in the garden, which can moved to wherever you want it. They immediately (bless them) thought of us and a couple of months later delivered us our very own as a special birthday present. It now has pride of place at the top of our terraced garden and last night, armed with the remains of our Christmas port, we sat by it, burning a few logs and all the laurel and ivy we'd brought in to 'green' the house on Christmas Eve.

I'm forever encouraging clients to take a sideways look at their lives, to fulfil long-held goals in imaginative and surprising ways. Seems I need to keep doing that for myself, too. :)

An attitude of gratitude - improve your mood in seconds

One day, back in May, I was sitting on our newly-constructed terrace at the top of our garden. It was warm, the breeze balmy and scented, carrying the sound of chirruping birds (yes, there really were days like that this year!). I sat there for about 15 minutes and, corny though it sounds, I felt my heart swell with the joy of it. That happy, contented feeling stayed with me for days, and even as I write, months later, when we've (in the UK) had that long, wet summer which segued into a soggy autumn and hey ho, it's winter and look, it's still raining! there is a smile on my face as I recall that feeling.

superficial runs deep

I've noticed time and again how an ostensibly superficial change can have a profound impact on one's life. For example, have you ever watched 'How to look good naked'? The glorious Gok Wan, through styling and other, on the face of it, simple, practical steps enables women, and recently a man too, to see themselves in a completely new way, one which allows their confidence to soar.

So it can be with coaching. Every coach works in a different way, but I'm definitely one of the ones who deals in the deep-reaching, life-changing, simple, practical steps makeover.

And it's something you can start to do yourself. If you download my wheel of life, by clicking here, you can very quickly and easily get an overview of your life, identify the areas that need work and start putting some practical steps in place.

Sometimes I describe it to clients as a bit like something you'd find in a women's magazine and in that respect, it is like a game, but as a tool for personal change, I have yet to find a client who doesn't find it revealing and powerful.

Do you know your place?

Regular readers will know that I've been exploring a range of life's elements. I've talked about light heartedness, actual physical light and last time was about the gap between stimulus and response, the place where freedom of choice lives.  Another aspect of a life well-lived, one which we notice most in its absence, is a sense of belonging.

What does that mean to you? When I researched online I found that 'belonging' is usually associated with groups of people, networks, and families. True enough knowing there are people there for us, knowing too that we are there for them, is a crucial part of our personal security, self-worth and self-esteem.

Mind the gap - we all have freedom of choice

Sometimes, we hear or read things that REALLY make us think. I mean proper, deep, sustained thought. Something that resonates so loudly that it remains in your head for weeks.
And it can be something really simple, too, can't it? Here's an example, a thought planted in my brain within the past month that I have been using as a personal reference point and a resource for clients ever since.

turn on the light (part 1)

When I'm coaching, more often than not, there is laughter. Certainly when I'm being coached there are endless hoots. (Of course, sometimes there are tears too, but more often, there's some laughter.)

Ever since I clarified my client group as women in mid-life who are stuck, being light-hearted, bringing light into their lives, has been a consistent aspiration when we start working together.

When life's tricky, when we are on a hamster-wheel, even one of our own making, life can become too serious. Fun is forgotten, laughter is lacking.