Life coaching for women

writing for its own sake

I’ve written before about the goals/ no goals dichotomy, and I’ve just come across another brilliant illustration of this, from my own personal development work.

I use writing as a means of learning about myself. It is a constant exploration. Some of what I write finds itself on one of my blogs, other stuff stays for evermore in my journal. Some may just be a middle-of-the-night scribble on a post-it note which turns out to be utter nonsense come the morning.

It’s the process of writing that moves me on, and also the ‘my, how you’ve grown’ feeling I get when I reread an old musing.

For many people though, writing has a distinct purpose, a goal. It starts out that way, that’s its intention. Poets, fiction writers, bloggers may all set out with the ‘end in mind’, that mantra of personal development. That’s not how I work though. Or should I say, that’s not ALWAYS how I work. If I’m writing a Christmas round robin then I generally DO have the end in mind. But often I just pick up pen and paper and see what happens.

I’ve been having a lot to do with writers recently. As coaching clients, as web design clients and also through Twitter.* And it’s just plain lovely. It has made me really take notice of the fact that writing is one of the key ingredients of the way I work with clients. Whether or not they come to me with a clear goal, I’ll almost certainly encourage them to write. It may simply be a case of keeping a special notebook for sessions and ‘homework’, but more often it is about incorporating writing, for its own sake, into their daily routine. Time and again it proves to be enormously empowering and enlightening, and it is my intention to explore this further through this blog.

I’m reading Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Writing Down the Bones’ and love this in the preface: ‘Writing is a path to meet ourselves and become intimate.’ Now THERE’S a goal! ;)

*Follow me on Twitter - http://twitter.com/groovy_granny

Look where you're going!

Last Friday I took my wee grandson out to play in the sunshine. He’s just turned 2 and is very quick on his feet. What struck me was that he kept running very quickly forwards whilst looking over his shoulder at something which had taken his interest at the other side of the playground. Needless to say he constantly tripped over, sometimes resulting in injury and tears, other times he’d just brush his hands off and mutter ‘oh, dear’ before moving off again.

I was tickled by this and intended to write a posting for my GroovyGranny blogsite, then it struck me that young Oli was providing a great metaphor for a way of proceeding through life that is recognisable to many of us.

How often we allow time to carry us on with its own momentum, whilst we keep glancing wistfully at what might have been, what could be if only we weren’t so busy being hurried forward by life’s imperatives.

Sometimes we can even be really clear about how we wish our lives could be, yet resolutely continue on the path we’ve always trodden.

Does that ring any bells for you? Do you struggle with where you are in life? Does it sometimes feel like a wrong fit for you? Maybe you’re aware of not living within your values. Things go wrong a lot. Do you see where I’m going with this?

If you know where you want to be and, as it were, point yourself in that direction, you stand a much better chance of getting there, and you’re much less likely to come a cropper. Sounds obvious, but how many of us actually do that?

Little Oli will soon learn that looking where he’s going is a smart move, but grown ups get into habits that can be harder to change. So I’m not suggesting that it is possible for us to turn our lives round on a sixpence, and head off smiling into a new future. Well, not quite.

What I’m proposing is that, by working at being really clear about how you’d prefer things to be, and identifying/articulating many of the facets of that better life, you can, today and every day, make small (tiny!) changes which will move you inexorably in the right direction. (Small steps are an important part of the whole ‘moving forward without tripping over’ thing. Oli’s unlikely to learn that for a while, I suspect.)

And before I leave the subject of looking where we’re going:

A reader gave me some feedback a few weeks ago, which prompts me to make the following additional point.

Maybe, in your life, you are looking backwards, wishing you could recapture happiness you’ve experienced in the past. Moving forwards is unthinkable as you cannot imagine ever being able to feel that way again. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, maybe you’ve been made redundant.

My guess is that you wouldn’t be reading this unless you believed that there was a possibility of change for you and, you know, looking and moving in a different direction, even a tiny bit, incredibly difficult though that may be, can surely not be more painful than where you are right now.

Our lives are inexorably moving on. By changing where we look we can start to change how we feel and act, and truly move on. Without so many bumps and scrapes.

An attitude of gratitude - improve your mood in seconds

One day, back in May, I was sitting on our newly-constructed terrace at the top of our garden. It was warm, the breeze balmy and scented, carrying the sound of chirruping birds (yes, there really were days like that this year!). I sat there for about 15 minutes and, corny though it sounds, I felt my heart swell with the joy of it. That happy, contented feeling stayed with me for days, and even as I write, months later, when we've (in the UK) had that long, wet summer which segued into a soggy autumn and hey ho, it's winter and look, it's still raining! there is a smile on my face as I recall that feeling.

superficial runs deep

I've noticed time and again how an ostensibly superficial change can have a profound impact on one's life. For example, have you ever watched 'How to look good naked'? The glorious Gok Wan, through styling and other, on the face of it, simple, practical steps enables women, and recently a man too, to see themselves in a completely new way, one which allows their confidence to soar.

So it can be with coaching. Every coach works in a different way, but I'm definitely one of the ones who deals in the deep-reaching, life-changing, simple, practical steps makeover.

And it's something you can start to do yourself. If you download my wheel of life, by clicking here, you can very quickly and easily get an overview of your life, identify the areas that need work and start putting some practical steps in place.

Sometimes I describe it to clients as a bit like something you'd find in a women's magazine and in that respect, it is like a game, but as a tool for personal change, I have yet to find a client who doesn't find it revealing and powerful.

Do you know your place?

Regular readers will know that I've been exploring a range of life's elements. I've talked about light heartedness, actual physical light and last time was about the gap between stimulus and response, the place where freedom of choice lives.  Another aspect of a life well-lived, one which we notice most in its absence, is a sense of belonging.

What does that mean to you? When I researched online I found that 'belonging' is usually associated with groups of people, networks, and families. True enough knowing there are people there for us, knowing too that we are there for them, is a crucial part of our personal security, self-worth and self-esteem.

Mind the gap - we all have freedom of choice

Sometimes, we hear or read things that REALLY make us think. I mean proper, deep, sustained thought. Something that resonates so loudly that it remains in your head for weeks.
And it can be something really simple, too, can't it? Here's an example, a thought planted in my brain within the past month that I have been using as a personal reference point and a resource for clients ever since.

Recognition - a reasonable expectation

My mum always refused to acknowledge any of my successes or achievements to the extent that I would be hard put to identify any from my growing up years! No, really. Sooner than notice and remark on what I had done she would, in a manner of speaking, stick her fingers in her ears and sing 'la' very loudly!
As an adult I have slowly come to learn that, rather than making me 'spoilt' or developing me into a 'show-off', when I receive acknowledgement of what I do, when I get positive feedback, I become not just imbued with a  rosy glow of pleasure but also phenomenally motivated, eager to take action, to do more of the same.

fear of failing

For many people in ‘mid-life’ there comes an opportunity to re-enter education, To enjoy the utter delight of studying as a mature student. I grasped it with both hands when I got my chance, aged almost forty. And then, after a few years I worked, for a time, with people who wanted to take their study further, but lacked the confidence they felt they needed for Higher Education.
As adults returning to learning we could do worse than take as our model of excellence a baby learning to walk.

listen up

I was a bit unwell the other day and spent quite a bit of time blobbing on the sofa watching daytime TV.  I caught an extraordinary programme, one where dysfunctional families wash their dirty linen in public, apparently in the hope of DNA tests, which will change their lives, or something like that.
Being an obsessive people-watcher I was fascinated. What struck me, above everything, was the shouting, the talking over each other. Despite the host’s best efforts the 'stars' of the show would not allow each other more than two words before they started to reply to what they thought was being said.

choosing happiness

'Happiness', I'm sure you'll agree, is a really important component of  life. It's something we all purport to strive towards and yet for many of us it is unattainable. Sure enough, we do (and arguably need to) experience other emotions too. We all have desperately sad times, times when we're bereft, times when we're bored, times when we're angry or frustrated.

Sometimes happiness is perceived as something that is engendered by our circumstances, but whilst what is happening around us can and does have a profound impact,  bereavement for example can remove happiness from one's life, with good counselling and an underlying positive mental attitude, even those in the deepest slough of despond can, in time, raise themselves back and embrace happiness.

What we would all aspire to, I imagine, is that throughout life our dominant mood is 'happy'.

I believe that this 'dominant mood' happiness can be a choice, as simple as that. There is no magic wand. Yet, you can transform your life as if by magic, from mundanity and general negativity, at will, by making a choice and taking action.