I was a bit unwell the other day and spent quite a bit of time blobbing on the sofa watching daytime TV. I caught an extraordinary programme, one where dysfunctional families wash their dirty linen in public, apparently in the hope of DNA tests, which will change their lives, or something like that.
Being an obsessive people-watcher I was fascinated. What struck me, above everything, was the shouting, the talking over each other. Despite the host’s best efforts the 'stars' of the show would not allow each other more than two words before they started to reply to what they thought was being said.
Now, I’ve always known that ‘It's rude to interrupt’, but on the same continuum of not listening is something I certainly used to do. In heated debate with others I’d find myself waiting for the gap so that I could jump in and say my bit first.
I wasn’t listening to what they were saying at all really, rather entering into competition with them, waiting for my opportunity to make my point.
Of course, another version of this can lead to resentment too! The gap arrives, and knowing it would be rude to jump straight in, you pause for a beat before speaking, and some other so-and-so gets there first!
Generally though, we do find ways to negotiate our way through conversations and most would agree that really listening to what others have to say rather than just for the gaps adds considerably to the quality of our lives. It is in stressful situations that we may fall into counterproductive, competitive arguing.
Does this ring a bell at all? A heated discussion where neither party is listening? If so, here’s a way that has worked well for a number of my clients. First of all you have to agree a length of time that each person can have the chance to speak without interruption, five maybe 10 minutes. You then take turns to do so. When one person has finished their five or 10 minutes the other person starts. Once you've each said your piece you can then take turns to respond in the same way.
The great benefit of this is that you actually listen to each other. For some people it's a completely new experience to have that space in which to think, and in which to speak without fear of interruption. My clients have found it enormously empowering, as have their partners, children, parents ….
Based on a idea in Nancy Kline’s book Time to Think
