...very helpful session this morning, thanks for being such a strong, positive and excellent facilitator, I am finding answers in the space you create. FO, London
I just love it when a client sends me an email like this - and I so often forget to ask if I may use their words on my websites. I didn't forget this time! :)
When we're in a place which feels just right to us, or in a friendship group we delight in and draw comfort from, or in workplace that sets us alight with motivation and joy, it's because our values are being met. 'Values' is a useful notion that encapsulates for me the ideas and beliefs that really matter to us. Our values are informed by and form part of our personal ethics, politics (small 'p'), moral code, all that kind of deep, 'who we are' stuff.
People use different techniques to judge if their deep-rooted values are being met. For some it's based a gut feeling, for others it's a certain knowledge based on deliberate personal strategising. And some have the delightful gift of being able to encapsulate it in a few words. They can come up with a great rule of thumb, which takes all this serious values stuff and turns it into a memorable and meaningful, even witty, phrase.
I met a very lovely woman at the weekend. She exudes joy, warmth and contentment. Some years ago she and her family decided to move out of London with no idea of where they might end up. She was telling me about all the places she visited which were OK, but didn't feel like home. She told me, 'it had to be somewhere my kids could wear odd socks and no one would mind'. I'm happy to say she ended up in the town which also meets my 'place to live' values. It's a place where you can be who you are. But my new acquaintance put it so better than that, don't you think?
*Hebden Bridge is actually a small town. But I wasn't going to let that stand in the way of a good headline!
It has struck me recently just how key writing is to everything I do, work, domestic, everything.
At the core, the maypole around which all the ribbons of my life flutter and dance, is the humble list.
It’s such a simple device for getting our thoughts in order. When I got married I even had a list of all the lists I had.
Not everyone embraces this simple, elegant life support system; I’m always astonished that my partner can do a supermarket shop without any help from the written word. For me though, it’s key, allowing me to safely juggle my way through life.
A list is a commitment; if something is on a list, it will happen. It is a means of clearing my mind, of freeing up space for creative thought and is therefore part of the process of preparation when I am about to go into a coaching session.
The most basic list may be scribbled on the back of an envelope, the most magnificent has a notebook of its very own (see 'wedding' a few paragraphs up).
The list is my constant companion, constantly reinvented in a new and supremely helpful form. It brings me peace of mind, certainty, clarity and a reputation for being a woman of my word. Pretty powerful, I'd say.
When I’m working with my wonderful clients, I have the privilege of seeing them up close (yes, even though I generally work by telephone) and holding up a mirror to them, so they too see aspects of themselves which they didn’t expect to find, didn’t know were there. A new, sharp focus is a big part, an exciting part, of the transformation process my clients experience.
I love taking photographs, and believe it is no coincidence that my favourite photography styles are macro (up close and personal, like this lovely lily) and portraiture, for which I often use the same, macro lens.
Sometimes I experiment with self-portraits. It is a bit of a palaver for sure, what with finding just the right spot to sit and hopping up and down to check the results, but I've learned a huge amount and have got to know myself a lot better through the process
What I’m driving at is that we can examine ourselves from a different angle, hone in and focus on different aspects, all by ourselves if need be. We can expose the surprising and extraordinary qualities which hold the potential for change, and with an energetic commitment to taking action, and constantly reviewing where we're at and where we're going we can transform the way we perceive ourselves, and our lives. Change our lives, in fact.
Today's discovery: writing is a great way to expose the nonsense in one's argument. I've just spent 20 minutes wring a blog article which, as it reached its conclusion, came out of the screen, tipped its head to one side and said 'Doh!'. That's one you won't be reading!
I’ve written before about the goals/ no goals dichotomy, and I’ve just come across another brilliant illustration of this, from my own personal development work.
I use writing as a means of learning about myself. It is a constant exploration. Some of what I write finds itself on one of my blogs, other stuff stays for evermore in my journal. Some may just be a middle-of-the-night scribble on a post-it note which turns out to be utter nonsense come the morning.
It’s the process of writing that moves me on, and also the ‘my, how you’ve grown’ feeling I get when I reread an old musing.
For many people though, writing has a distinct purpose, a goal. It starts out that way, that’s its intention. Poets, fiction writers, bloggers may all set out with the ‘end in mind’, that mantra of personal development. That’s not how I work though. Or should I say, that’s not ALWAYS how I work. If I’m writing a Christmas round robin then I generally DO have the end in mind. But often I just pick up pen and paper and see what happens.
I’ve been having a lot to do with writers recently. As coaching clients, as web design clients and also through Twitter.* And it’s just plain lovely. It has made me really take notice of the fact that writing is one of the key ingredients of the way I work with clients. Whether or not they come to me with a clear goal, I’ll almost certainly encourage them to write. It may simply be a case of keeping a special notebook for sessions and ‘homework’, but more often it is about incorporating writing, for its own sake, into their daily routine. Time and again it proves to be enormously empowering and enlightening, and it is my intention to explore this further through this blog.
I’m reading Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Writing Down the Bones’ and love this in the preface: ‘Writing is a path to meet ourselves and become intimate.’ Now THERE’S a goal! ;)
*Follow me on Twitter - http://twitter.com/groovy_granny
Many years ago, when I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I interviewed two composers about the importance of their work being faithfully reproduced by musicians.
One guy was adamant that this is the way it should be. He had a clear sound vision and wanted that to be replicated, his score to be strictly adhered to.
The other had a more organic approach. He was open to input from he musicians, the end result evolved, the performance may not be the same on consecutive occasions.
All these years later, each is successful in his own field. Still writing music.
As I mentioned in my previous posting, for some coaches, goals are the thing, so if a client hasn’t got one when she starts, the goal becomes, well, setting the goal.
The point is, both approaches work. I get both kinds of client, those with clearly defined goals and those who know things must change but cannot yet envisage what those changes might be, and in fact don’t want to be prescriptive about the outcome.
Both ways are fine. Both can lead to success through the coaching process.
Which sort are you?
Pick up any women’s magazine, listen to any programme on the radio or TV about making changes in your life and the word ‘goal’ will feature as an absolute requirement. When I did my coach training, over six years ago, there was a lot of focus on developing clients’ goals. The very first task in any client relationship would be to pin down the precise goals. They have to be SMART of course. That’s natty little acronym for Specific Measureable Attainable Relevant and Time-limited.
Around 20% of my coaching clients have really clear goals when they call me. One client I’m working with right now has to make a huge change in her life, moving to the other side of the world and setting up home, whilst also developing her existing work and building a new business. When she called she had six or seven months in which to do this, and believe me, she’s bang on target. Which I maintain is down to her being a fabulously motivated woman, for whom goals are there to be achieved.
Most of my clients are less clear when they come to me. They want change, but they’re not sure quite what it is. They want to be happy, I guess that counts as a goal, but quite what that looks like, how that might be achieved, is less tangible. Like their goal-orientated sisters they are up for an adventure, but they’ve bought a ticket for the magical mystery tour. They too will look back in a few months’ time and be stunned by what they’ve achieved.
Which probably links into a discussion about process and product. But I won’t go there today!
I think it can be safely said that I have a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA). And I believe passionately that expecting great things to happen is a decidedly better route to follow than the doom and gloom merchants’ ‘no point in being optimistic, you’ll only get let down’ miserable mantra.
I was challenged on this front yesterday; it was suggested that I may have a focus on scarcity, rather than abundance. I looked around me at my life, which I delight in, which I see as being truly wonderful, and thought, ‘I don’t recognise the person I’m perceived as being’. (I should add at this point that I’ve never been challenged like this before, and I’m not brilliant at letting these things wash over me; I’m unapologetic about feeling that it’s always worth checking it out if someone bothers to give you the feedback.)
However,
When I work with my coaching clients, having established the kind of changes that they want to achieve, we spend a little time looking at what might trip them up. Building contingency plans to ensure that, whatever their pattern of personally sabotaging behaviour, they can weather the storm next time. A toolkit for change, if you like. Checking out the reality/likelihood and taking steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again, that it doesn’t screw up the way ahead. It is part of the process, an important one, and is one of the features of coaching which, I believe, allows clients to make profound and lasting changes.
When I’m being engaged as a mentor by a new coach I like to check that they’re switched on to the saturated market (‘life coach’ in Google UK brings up just under half a million entries), that they haven’t got £ signs whizzing round in front of their eyes, that they don’t believe that they can spend their way to success. i.e. prudence and abundance are not mutually excusive. This ‘reality check’ allows me to be sure that they will focus on identifying, articulating and putting out into the world what it is about them that is truly unique, that being the best, sure-fire way to stand out from the crowd.
So, lovely reader, is that a ‘focus on scarcity? I’d welcome your feedback. (see below)
Whilst I don't perceive that as 'a focus on scarcity', I'd appreciate feedback from others who may have a different perception. And indeed from those for whom my words resonate.
I am conscious that there is a can of very wriggly worms here! ;)
(I changed the ending of this posting after feedback revealed a lack of clarity)
I love reading Creative Maverick's postings. Here's one in which he talks about T. Harv Eker’s mantra, 'How you do anything is how you do everything'. This is exactly the attitude I promote with my clients. Start today, right here, right now and transform your life.
"it’s not achieving your goals that will make you happy. You need to create the experience you want to have right now. If you want more excitement in your life, how can you create some excitement for yourself today? Excitement is something you do, not something that happens to you."
Last Friday I took my wee grandson out to play in the sunshine. He’s just turned 2 and is very quick on his feet. What struck me was that he kept running very quickly forwards whilst looking over his shoulder at something which had taken his interest at the other side of the playground. Needless to say he constantly tripped over, sometimes resulting in injury and tears, other times he’d just brush his hands off and mutter ‘oh, dear’ before moving off again.
I was tickled by this and intended to write a posting for my GroovyGranny blogsite, then it struck me that young Oli was providing a great metaphor for a way of proceeding through life that is recognisable to many of us.
How often we allow time to carry us on with its own momentum, whilst we keep glancing wistfully at what might have been, what could be if only we weren’t so busy being hurried forward by life’s imperatives.
Sometimes we can even be really clear about how we wish our lives could be, yet resolutely continue on the path we’ve always trodden.
Does that ring any bells for you? Do you struggle with where you are in life? Does it sometimes feel like a wrong fit for you? Maybe you’re aware of not living within your values. Things go wrong a lot. Do you see where I’m going with this?
If you know where you want to be and, as it were, point yourself in that direction, you stand a much better chance of getting there, and you’re much less likely to come a cropper. Sounds obvious, but how many of us actually do that?
Little Oli will soon learn that looking where he’s going is a smart move, but grown ups get into habits that can be harder to change. So I’m not suggesting that it is possible for us to turn our lives round on a sixpence, and head off smiling into a new future. Well, not quite.
What I’m proposing is that, by working at being really clear about how you’d prefer things to be, and identifying/articulating many of the facets of that better life, you can, today and every day, make small (tiny!) changes which will move you inexorably in the right direction. (Small steps are an important part of the whole ‘moving forward without tripping over’ thing. Oli’s unlikely to learn that for a while, I suspect.)
And before I leave the subject of looking where we’re going:
A reader gave me some feedback a few weeks ago, which prompts me to make the following additional point.
Maybe, in your life, you are looking backwards, wishing you could recapture happiness you’ve experienced in the past. Moving forwards is unthinkable as you cannot imagine ever being able to feel that way again. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, maybe you’ve been made redundant.
My guess is that you wouldn’t be reading this unless you believed that there was a possibility of change for you and, you know, looking and moving in a different direction, even a tiny bit, incredibly difficult though that may be, can surely not be more painful than where you are right now.
Our lives are inexorably moving on. By changing where we look we can start to change how we feel and act, and truly move on. Without so many bumps and scrapes.
